Todays and Tomorrows
by Vintage Tea Party
Summary: Rose's death is a fixed point in time. Both she and the Doctor knew that. They just never thought it would be this soon. When the Doctor learns that Rose is terminally ill he struggles with the rules he knows govern time, the very rules that he upholds. How can he ever accept the fact he must watch her slowly fade away and say goodbye to her?
1. Chapter 1

Rose held her hands out in front of her and watched as they shook with a tremor. She willed them to stop but they did not. She set her hair brush down on the sink in front of her and waited for the shaking to stop knowing full well she had no control over it. It usually only happened in the morning. Most of her symptoms were the worse when she first woke. She just had to wait until they subsided enough that they weren't a hindrance before she could get ready and approach the day ahead of her. It was taking longer and longer every morning for that to happen.

She looked at herself in the mirror. She looked pale and tired and it was only now, when she was completely alone, that she could see her feelings written on her face; the pain, the worry, the fear, and the sadness. These were things she did her best to hide during the day but they were still inside of her all the time.

Her head pounded relentlessly. It felt like it was going to split right open. She almost wished it would if it would just relieve some of the pressure. She pressed a shaking hand to her forehead as the pain made her world spin. That was one symptom that didn't subside. The pain in her head never really went away these days; it was just a matter of how severe it would be. She reached under the sink for the medicine bottle. The pills took away most of the pain away; for now. They had made it possible for her to continue with life as normal; for now. She didn't like to think about the day when they no longer did.

She had to wait until her hands stopped shaking before she could open the bottle. Her vision swam and she waited for it to pass. The nausea was mostly gone and she had already thrown up this morning so she was pretty sure she was done with that for now.

But she was so shaky and the more she thought about everything the shakier she got. She decided to just sit down for the moment. She was so scared and sad. She didn't want to die.

She desperately wanted to tell the Doctor what was going on. He always made her feel better no matter what. He always fixed everything. And even though she knew that he couldn't fix this, she still wanted to tell him because she was so afraid and he always made her brave. She knew that he thought she was brave and maybe she had been deep down inside, but he brought it out in her. And right now, sitting alone on the bathroom floor with her world spinning and falling down around her, she could really use some bravery.

It was so hard to hide the truth from him. She had to not act sad when she was terribly so, and she had to not act scared when she really was afraid. All she really wanted to do was seek out his strong arms to hold her and his comfort to ease the pain. It was hard to keep it all to herself but it was better because during the day, when she was with him, she was able to forget her hard reality. It was only during the nights and mornings when she was alone that she had to accept the truth for what it is.

There were so many reasons not to tell the Doctor and there was only one reason to tell him: she had to. As much as she wanted to keep it a secret, she knew she would not be able to do it forever. She was afraid that soon the Doctor would notice. She really wasn't even sure how she had been able to keep it from him for so long. He saw so much, practically everything that was happening around him at any given time. But he hadn't yet but she really knew that it was only a matter of time.

She had gotten the news two months ago and since then had hid it from the Doctor. Her life had changed that day. A weight was put upon her shoulders and a sadness came to live with her as her days became numbered. She hadn't told the Doctor because she was hoping to spare him from having to live that way any longer than was absolutely necessary. She wished she didn't know and for now she could make it so he didn't. She was hurting but for today he didn't have to. She knew she would have to tell him; she had no delusions she could keep it from him forever. Towards the end she'd be forced to tell him but for now she had some more time.

She kept waiting for the right moment to tell him but that moment never seemed to arrive. She knew that the moment she did everything would change. Right now, life was just as it always had been. He didn't live with the sadness and fear that she did, since she had that knowledge. The moment she told him that would change. Her news would be another weight upon his already heavy laden shoulders. She also knew that things would be different between him and her after she told them. Even trying his best not to let it bother him, it would and things wouldn't feel the same anymore; a cloud of sadness would hang over them.

She could imagine how it would hurt him because she remembered what it had felt like to think he was dying. She remembered the pain it had caused her after his regeneration had gone wrong and she thought he was dying. She remembered how hard it had been to think that he was slowly fading right in front on her and she realized that now the Doctor would be in that position with her. He would be the one to have to sit by and watch her slowly die in front of him.

She imagined several outcomes after she told him her news and all of them frightened her in different ways. It scared her also that she couldn't guess what the outcome to this would be. She liked to think that she knew the Doctor very well but this was uncharted territory and she really couldn't guess how he would react.

She imagined that he might leave her. He might decide to take her home right away so that she could be with her mum and her mum could take care of her. As time went on, she would get weaker and sicker. She would slow down and he might not want to slow down. He might not want to take care of her. He might not be able to take care of her.

She couldn't even blame him if he didn't want to take care of her. A lot of symptoms she could have in the future terrified her. She couldn't imagine losing her eyesight or her ability to hear or speak. She couldn't imagine not being able to control her movements or losing her clear mind. She did not want the Doctor to have to see her like that and it made her sick to think that he would have to watch such a terrible downward spiral to her death. She honestly wouldn't be able to blame him if he didn't want to see that.

She knew how he felt about dying and it worried her. The look on his face, the darkness in his eyes when the only time they had discussed the subject still haunted her. Having confronted him about his past with Sarah Jane he told her the reason. "You decay, you wither and you die," he had said referring to humans. There had been so much pain in his tone, his posture, his face and she had wondered how many times he had had to face that reality.

He had loved Sarah Jane at one time too. But in the end he had left her, knowing that if he let himself become too attached it would be too hard to say goodbye. Just the idea that he would have to say goodbye _someday _to her was enough to separate them. But Rose _knew _with certainty that she was going to die. The Doctor had promised that he wouldn't do the same to her and she really wanted to believe him. And she hated herself that she couldn't.

Even if he committed to staying with her until the end she could imagine that he would spent her remaining time blaming himself and she didn't want that. She knew the Doctor would be riddled with guilt that there was nothing he could do. And there was nothing he could do. She knew how it worked, the whole going back in time and changing history thing. Her death was fixed point in time. She was meant to die. In the time and place she was born, there was no cure for this. Her time had come. How many times had the Doctor said that he could not just change time to suit him?

And she knew that was true because she had seen it with her own eyes. She well remembered how drastic the consequences had been when she had tried to save her dad's life. She'd tried to go against the Doctor and she'd almost ended earth in the process. And in the end, her dad still had to die. The Doctor had told her then that an ordinary person was the most important thing in all of creation. And if she knew anything she knew she was pretty ordinary. The whole world would change if he were somehow able to save her life.

He hadn't been able to interfere when his family and planet died. Surely, he had wanted to more than anything. And now the same would be true with her. She knew that he would have no choice but to sit and watch her die. She knew he had seen the death of so many people she wasn't sure that it was something he would be willing to do again.

Even if neither of those things happened she was worried that the Doctor would spend what little time she had left running to and fro, across the galaxy and time searching for a cure when all she really wanted was him to spend her remaining time with her. Being with him had been the best time of her life and its all she wanted in the time that was left.

She thought back to the time when the Doctor had first found her. She had been so painfully bored then. She had known that she wanted more out of life than what she had. She wanted an exciting life, she just didn't know what she should be or what it would look like to have one. She knew that she certainly did not want to work in the shop all of her life. She had a deep dissatisfaction like she was longing for something she was made for. She remembered being feeling so frustrated by the fact that she couldn't seem to figure out what it was and all she seemed to be able to make of herself was a failure. She had a loneliness deep inside and never really felt like she belonged where she was.

So many people her age were having life crises. Many of them scrambled along trying to figure out what it was they were supposed to do with their adult lives. Did they go to university or not? Did they get married or not? What job should they have? Where should they live? She had thought those things herself until the Doctor came along. He had chased away the loneliness. He chased away the dissatisfaction and longing and frustration. He had shown her where she belonged.

Everything she ever could have hoped for but never dreamed of, it all came to her. She hadn't had to go looking for the purpose for her life. It had come looking for her. She felt so fortunate to know exactly what she wanted now. She had no regrets over her life and how she had spent it or the decisions she had made. She only wished that there had been more of it. She finally had everything she wanted and now it was going to be taken from her.

How was she ever going to be able to do this? She loved the Doctor and she didn't want to hurt him. How could she ever leave him? She didn't know how she was going to be able to say goodbye.

"Rose! The day's a wasting. Allons-y!" She heard the Doctor call out and a smile instantly spread on her face. She focused on that and brushed the tears and all other thoughts and feelings away. She thought about the excitement of the day ahead and by being by his side. The only place she ever wanted to be for as long as she had.

**Hello everyone! This is my first multi chapter Doctor Who fic so I hope you will follow and review. I know this was a heavy start but I promise there is comfort to go along with the hurt. Both you and the Doctor will find out what is going on in the next chapter. **


	2. Chapter 2

Rose had lost the Doctor. She was running to try and keep up with him but she had lost sight of him a few minuets ago. That was not at all unusual; he was often taking off without her. But at the moment she was beginning to feel as if it were a problem.

It was a few days later and she was still trying to keep up appearances, stretching the limit to how long she could keep the appearance of normalcy. Most days she was fine; it took her a while to get started each day and her head bothered all day long but she felt well enough that she could keep up with the Doctor and whatever adventure they found themselves on. But this was one day that she knew she should have stayed back at the TARDIS.

She had yet to sit out of any adventure and she was really trying to put it off for as long as she could possibly could. It was part because she couldn't resist not following after him and part because she knew that if she told him she had to stay behind he would know that something was wrong and he would want an explanation. But as much as she wanted to put off the inevitable, today should have been the day.

She had felt worse than ever this morning when she had woken up. Her head hurt so bad that it was almost more than she could bear. The pain had nearly brought her to tears when she got out of bed and she had almost turned around and crawled immediately back in. Even after she had gotten ready and met the Doctor for breakfast she had been gearing herself up to tell him she just didn't feel well enough to go anywhere.

But then he had started to talk about some smugglers he had heard about. He had explained them as "time pirates" who were jumping from planet to planet taking more advanced technology and selling it in a less advanced times. They were mostly taking novelties or items of convenience, things that most everyone would want, things that would sell well; nothing too serious. They weren't taking anything that dramatically alter timelines but they were alternating time slightly everywhere they went.

The Doctor's eyes had lit up as he had talked about it all and the words that she had already not wanted to say became impossible to say. She wanted to be there with him and she just hadn't been able to take the joy of the day away with her news.

But now as she continued to run in the direction of the Doctor she was really questioning those actions and her own judgment. They had found and confronted the smugglers but they had been less than enthusiastic to see the Doctor. They had given them the chase and her and the Doctor had been running for a long time after them. Apparently, they were not only good at smuggling but long distance running as well.

She knew that she was running out of energy but when everything around her started to turn black she didn't have much time before she realized that she was going to pass out. Everything disappeared from her view and all the sound around her faded far away. She only barely heard herself call out the Doctor's name just before she lost consciousness.

* * *

The Doctor had almost caught up with the smugglers and he was just turning to tell Rose that he was sure they had them now when he noticed that she was not behind him. It was normal for her to lag behind and he usually would have just kept going until he had accomplished the mission ahead, knowing that Rose would arrive on the scene shortly. He had just turned back around to do just that but something stopped him dead in his tracks.

He had a terrible feeling deep inside that something was wrong. He could feel when Rose was in danger; this particular feeling was different than what he usually felt but it was still troubling. Something was not right here. He immediately turned around and ran back in the direction he came, all focus on the mission dropped and forgotten.

He ran for a long time with no sight of Rose. With every step he took he scolded himself for not having noticed that she was gone. As it became more and more evident just how long it had been since he had noticed she wasn't there he was becoming more and more disgusted with himself. How was it that he that he could have gone so long without noticing that she was no longer by his side? Terrible scenarios played out in his head as he imagined all that might have happened to her in the time it took him to take notice that she was missing.

Finally, he found her lying in the road, looking painfully forgotten and discarded. Fear filled his whole body at the sight of unmoving body. He crouched down beside her and took her into his arms. She didn't stir but he let out a breath of relief when he heard that her heart was still beating and she was breathing. He couldn't tell what had happened to her and he urged her to wake up. "Rose. Rose please wake up," he gently but urgently begged her as he ran a hand along her face hoping his presence would awake her.

She didn't respond and in the next moment he was scooping her up in his arms and running as fast as he possibly could back to the TARDIS. She was so pale and she seemed so lite in his arms. She seemed so breakable, so fragile; had she always been that way?

He got back to the TARDIS and she had still not woken up. He laid her gently on the floor of the control room and scanned her, searching for clues as to what was wrong. He fidgeted as he waited for the results to come up. But when they did all movement completely ceased. Even his hearts seemed to stop as he stared at the screen.

This couldn't be right. For a moment his mind seemed detached from his body and the shock overwhelmed him. Timelines seemed twist and distort in front of him as the knowledge invaded his Time Lord mind. He stared at the screen for a long time thinking maybe, just maybe, it was one of his terrible fears manifested in front of his face. After all, he had always been afraid of something like this would happen. He hoped it would disappear off the screen and the real reality would appear. But it never did change.

Finally, he tore his eyes away from the screen and stared down at Rose. Did she know? She hadn't said anything so she must not have known. She would have said something. But he knew as he stared back at the screen that she did know. There was no way she couldn't have known; she had to be in terrible pain. How had she put up with it? Why hadn't she said anything? How had he not known?

In that moment he felt so alone. The silence pressed in around him as he stood there thinking of the news he had just gotten. He was partly glad she wasn't there when he got the news because tears were breaking from his eyes and since he was alone he didn't have to pretend he was alright. He didn't think it would have been possible for him to pretend he was alright. How could he face this, possibly his greatest fear come true? He gazed back down at Rose, hoping with the last bit of hope he could manage in this moment that she would wake up again.

* * *

When Rose woke up she was back in her room on the TARDIS. She was lying on her bed but her shoes had been taken off and her favorite old worn blanket was on top of her. The Doctor must have carried here after she had passed out.

She groaned when she remembered. This was not at all how she wanted the Doctor to find out she was sick. She was going to tell him, she really had been planning to tell him all along. But now she would have to tell him because he would know that something was wrong with her. She was mad that she had gotten in the way of what they were doing and that she'd made an embarrassment and nuisance of herself. She hadn't felt herself fading at all. She hadn't felt good all day but she had not expected to pass out and she certainly wouldn't have gone along if she had known that was going to happen.

She assessed her current situation to see how she was doing. Losing consciousness was a new and unpleasant symptom. Her head pounded but that was usual these days. She did notice some scratches on her hands and it felt like she had bruises all along her right side, which she had undoubtedly fallen on when she passed out. She was a little sore but otherwise she felt alright. She fidgeted with the blanket in her hands thinking about the Doctor and trying to imagine what she would say to him. Now that she thought about it, she didn't feel alright at all any more.

A few minuets later the door quietly opened and she saw the Doctor peek his head in to check on her. When he saw that she was awake he opened the door all the way and stood against the door frame. His face was serious and his eyes were dark. She gave him a small smile that he didn't return. She could tell by the way that he looked at her that he already knew exactly what was wrong with her. "How are you feeling?" he asked quietly.

"Alright."

The Doctor remained in the doorway and made no move to come closer to her. She couldn't read his emotions and it made her nervous. She had been thinking about how he would react to her news for weeks and now that he knew she couldn't tell what his reaction was. But she realized now that it was wrong for her to keep her secret so long. The Doctor would be angry that she hadn't been honest with him.

"Are you going to come in?" she asked softly.

He looked down at the ground and then back up before walking reluctantly toward her. She patted the place on the bed beside her indicating where she wanted him to sit down. She propped herself up a little on the bed but she was still so tired she couldn't sit up all the way. The Doctor looked down at her and she fought the urge to look away. She held his intense stare and wondered how long she would have to do so before he finally spoke. She thought abut saying something but she thought it best to let him begin; she didn't even know where to start. She never thought he looked like the 900 years he was but at this moment, in his eyes she could see the years of weight they held.

Finally, after what seemed like years, he spoke. "You've been keeping something from me," he said looking down and breaking her gaze. That felt surprisingly worse than the intense stare from a moment ago and she even wished for that again. She felt loneliness in the way that he looked away from her like there was a barrier between them and he was separate from her now.

She felt like crying. She hadn't meant to hurt him but she knew she had. She had wanted to save him from pain but in sparing him from one she had created another. She just hadn't wanted to have this conversation with him. She'd dreaded it so much and that's why she had put it off. She didn't want anything to change. Life was perfect, absolutely perfect, the way it had been and she didn't want it to end. But things were going to change the second that she opened her mouth. And her life was going to end, all too soon.

She tried to speak but all that came out was a sob. She covered her face with her hand. She couldn't speak, couldn't say what she had to. She didn't want to see his face right now though she couldn't forget the concern she'd already seen in it. She felt his hand rest comfortingly on her leg and she placed her other hand on top on his. He let her cry for a while and didn't say anything.

She managed to croak out the words she knew he was waiting for. He was waiting for her to say it on her own; he was waiting for her to finally tell him what he knew she had been keeping from him. "I…I'm…s-sick." She knew that was a gross understatement and very obvious. She knew she was going to have to get a hold of herself and explain things better. She took a couple of deep breaths trying to get the sobs under control. She wiped her eyes and looked up at him. The way he looked at her she knew she must be a pitiful sight and she tried even harder to get herself together, for his sake. Seeing her in pain was making it worse for him.

"You have a brain tumor," he said, saying the words she still couldn't manage to make herself say.

She only nodded in response. She was glad that he said the words. She had yet to be able to utter it, even to herself. "How do you know?"

"I scanned you. When you passed out I didn't know what was wrong. You wouldn't wake up so I brought you back here and that's when I saw."

"Oh."

"You were fine," he said remembering back to the time that was not long ago though now seemed worlds away. "Everything was fine. But then I looked back and you were gone. I didn't know where you were or what happened. Then I saw you lying on the ground…I thought…" the Doctor's voice caught in his throat and he looked away for a moment.

She had seen the sparkle in his eye and knew he was fighting not to let the tears out. He always tried so hard to keep them concealed. She took his hand in hers and gave it a squeeze. "I'm sorry I scared you. I didn't mean for this to happen."

"Well, what did you think was going to happen Rose?" his words biting but clouded with pain. He still wouldn't look at her, no doubt hiding a face that was not at all composed.

"I didn't mean for you to find out this way."

"Really? You don't think it was best for me to get the news from a body scan, all alone, wondering if you would even wake up instead of getting it from you?"

"No. Of course not," she said seriously but her heart throbbed. As bad as it would have been to tell him, she really hadn't wanted him to find out that way. She knew how terrible it had been to get that news all alone and she hadn't wanted that for him.

"Good. I agree with you."

His words sounded harsh but she could tell he was really hurting. He still wouldn't look at her and he cleared his throat several times. She rubbed his hand in hers with her thumb but his hand hung limp not returning the affection. "I _was_ going to tell you."

They were silent for a few minutes as he composed himself. She had known that she would not be able to hide her disease and all its terrible symptoms from him forever, but that didn't mean that she still didn't wish that she could. The pain she heard in his voice was pain that she had put there. Even though it wasn't her choice it didn't take away the fact that she was the one causing him pain and she never wanted to do that.

"How long have you known?" he asked finally breaking the silence.

"Two months," she whispered.

"Two months? You've known for two months but you were going to tell me?" he asked skeptically. "You didn't find a free moment in all that time that you could have had a conversation with me?

She knew that he was upset and his words weren't an attack but they felt that way. She'd been so afraid that he would be angry when she told him and now he was. The months of accumulated dread came flooding back to her. She fought the sobs that were just under the surface but was determined not to cry any more.

"Doctor, please…" she begged him.

"Rose," he said finally turned to look at her. "This was dangerous. Two months you've been walking around like this and you could have collapsed at any time, when we were doing anything. I'm just glad that this happened when we were running after something, rather than running from something," his voice paused becoming softer, all the anger gone from it at the moment. "You could have really been hurt."

"I know. And I am sorry; I didn't mean to get in the way."

"That's not what's important to me. You…" he didn't finish the sentence. He never finished the sentence. But, as was so often the case, she knew what he would have said. _You are what's important to me. _"I'm upset because you didn't tell me."

"I know," she said looking down.

"Why didn't you tell me?" he asked, looking for the answer that she was evading.

"I didn't want you to take me home," she said honestly. She held her breath to hear what his response would be now that the truth was coming out.

"But you need to be home."

"And why is that?" She hadn't meant for there to be desperation in her voice but she felt a bit of hysteria that everything she had been afraid of was coming to pass. She tried not to panic at the thought that he was now going to take her home and she wouldn't have even her limited amount of time left to spend with him. She wasn't ready for this.

"Because you're sick. You need to be where they can take care of you."

"I don't want that," she managed to say.

"You don't want that?"

"No, of course not. I don't want to be on earth. I want to be here…with you," she added trying not to sound sentimental but needing him to hear how much she wanted to spend the last of her time with him.

"And that's more important than going home?"

"Yeah."

"You've already wasted two months. Do you really think I am going to let you waste any more."

"What?" How had she wasted her time? She had spent the past two months doing exactly what she wished she could be doing for years and years to come. "What do you mean by that?"

"You've just been running around the universe chasing aliens like nothing was wrong with you. You could have been taking care of yourself. When were you going to get treatment? Your condition is serious; do you know how much worse you might have made it by delaying treatment for two months."

For a moment she was shocked as his words sank in. He was upset she hadn't told him yet to take her home because he didn't realize there was no point. He thought she had delayed her treatment for two months to be with him, possibly making her condition much worse. He didn't realize it was fatal and there was no help to be had. By the time she had found out, it was already too late. But here it was. Now she would have to tell him the worst of it.

"I just don't know why you would that Rose," he said his voice sounding so sad.

"Doctor…I…there is no help." Tears threatened to overcome her again and she fought them off.

"What?" he asked even though he looked like he already knew the answer to the question.

"I've already been to the doctor. There is nothing that can be done for me," she said with a strained voice. "By the time I found out it was already too late."

"Then get a second opinion," he said his voice strained as his emotions were building.

"I've already gotten second and third opinions. Nothing can be done."

If it were even possible his face became even more serious. She could read that there were several emotions there she just couldn't read what they were. "When did you do all of that?"

"When we were home visiting mum. I went when you thought I was with her." It sounded so much worse when she said it out loud. "At first, I thought it would be nothing. Then I kept hoping that I could get better news before I had to tell anyone," she said trying to clarify that she had not meant to be deceitful.

"Are you sure?" he asked. She was surprised to hear that his voice cracked on the last word.

"Yes," she said, lowering the final blow.

He got up and walked away and she was afraid that he was going to leave. It was a moment before he took a deep breath and turned around to face her. He looked sad, sadder than she had ever seen him. "Why didn't you tell me? If I'd known I wouldn't have been running all over the galaxy while you struggled to keep up."

"That's exactly why I didn't tell you. I didn't want things to change."

"Well, it doesn't matter what you or I want. Things _are _going to change. They aren't going to stay the same just because you keep them from me."

"I know things are going to change," she said mournfully. "I just…knew there was nothing that you could do. I know how it works and that nothing can be done. So, I just wasn't in a hurry to tell you."

"So, because I can't do anything you just weren't going to tell me?" he asked with anger but she could tell it was self loathing that put it there. He knew the words were true. She had meant to comfort him with them; she didn't want him to think that she expected him to fix the situation. But they had not had a good effect on him because he hated them.

"No, of course not. I didn't see anything wrong with putting off the news. For a couple of months you didn't have to live like I had to. You didn't have to be afraid or sad. And you didn't have to feel guilty." She knew that she was hitting the nail on the head even if he wouldn't admit it. She knew him better than anyone even if he didn't like it.

"But you lied to me, Rose. You knew you were dying for two months and you never said anything."

"I see that it was wrong to keep this from you from so long. I see that now. I made a mistake but I can't go back and change it now. But this isn't easy on me either you know. Can't you understand what this is like for me?"

There was a long pause before the Doctor spoke. "No," he said turning and leaving the room.

If it were even possible, Rose felt even lonelier at that moment than she had in the past two months.

**The next chapter is in the Doctor's perspective so we'll get an insight into what is going on in his head. Thank you to all who are following and have reviewed. Please keep it up! **


	3. Chapter 3

The Doctor paced around the control room and stared at the console. It was the place that he felt most like himself, where he felt the most hopeful and energized. But right now the world was dark; it felt devoid of the hope and excitement he usually felt when he was here. He walked aimlessly around without a purpose, not even seeing what was in front of him. He was dazed and confused and not at all himself. He was desperately trying to make sense of the news he had gotten. Rose was sick. Rose was _dying_.

This couldn't be happening. It didn't feel real, it didn't feel true. Today was just any other day when it began and now life as he knew and loved it was over. Life would never be the same again.

He knew that he shouldn't have left her so abruptly. Rose would surely assume that he was mad by the way that he acted when he left. And he was mad. Mad at the universe and circumstances but not mad at her. He had been so upset that he had been blinded by it, unable to stand up against it. The news had been heartbreaking enough when he had found out she was sick and that there was a possibility she might not survive. When she had said that there was nothing that could be done and it was certain that this would end her life, it had been unbearable. Everything he had been most afraid of was coming true. If he had stayed there much longer he would have become unraveled right in front of her.

The reality of the future that was standing in front of him terrified him. How could he do this? How could he ever stand by and let Rose die? How could he possibly stand by and watch while it happened? He had always run from this very thing so he wouldn't have to feel the depth of this pain. He wasn't sure he could handle it. He wasn't sure he could do this.

There had to be a way out of this. He had been trying for the past couple of hours to come up with a solution to the problem. But he knew she was right. He knew that she wasn't a quitter. She would have looked for a solution herself and if she said there wasn't one it meant she had explored every possibility. And that meant there was no solution. He was Time Lord but time had never been such an enemy to him as it was at this moment. Everything he was, everything he stood for stared back at him like the barrel of a gun. _He_ could save her. He could bring a solution when all others had failed. But in doing so he would tear the very fabric of the universe around him.

Even she had known that. After all, they had both seen the dire consequences for themselves. She knew he couldn't intervene because she had seen what happened when you tried to save a life from the end they were destined for. But even knowing what the great consequences of intervention would be, he wondered, was it worth losing Rose over?

Why had he had to go and fall in love with humans? They were so fragile, their lives so fleeting. Every encounter with them ended with heartache for him. But he couldn't help but love them. They were wonderful. They were exciting and adventurous and they were always so filled with hope, much more than he had in him. And really, even if he hadn't been so attracted to them, what was he to do? He had not a home, no planet, no people. He didn't want to be alone; he needed them.

But they were so young and breakable. Even at best their lives only lasted for eight or nine decades. That was nothing. He'd still been a child at that age. Every touch with a human was so brief he shouldn't want to come in contact with them. He should have picked a longer lasting species to associate with. They would understand him better. He wouldn't have to say goodbye nearly as often as he did now. But he couldn't stay away from humans. Even the shortest time spent with one always left a huge impression on him and lessons that he never wanted to lose.

But the scenario he was in now was why he said that he preferred to travel alone even though it was a huge lie. No matter how good the times were they always ended and much too soon. Humans were so delicate, they got only one life and it was so short even at the best. From the moment they began their lives they were on a journey to death. They broke, they got diseased. If he were smart he would stay away from them. They didn't get second chances, or third or tenth chances. One life only and when it was over it was over. But he was fascinated by them and he knew he would never stay away.

Even still, he didn't seek companions out. He never made a conscious decision to find someone to travel with him. In fact, every time he lost one he swore he would never do it again. He set out determined that he would not allow anyone to come along with him. But he didn't like being alone like he said he did and the loneliness always got to him. And they called out to him. He could always tell when he met someone who was different. He felt something that told him they were special. And Rose had been the most special of all.

When he met Rose he had been minding his own business. He had not wanted to get attached. He even walked away from her- twice. He had tried to send her away. He had avoided her questions. But the third time circumstance brought them together he did not send her away. Despite the voices that told him he shouldn't get attached because doing so would only hurt both of them in the end, he had done just that. Trying to walk away from her had been a lost cause from the beginning; he had known the first time he grabbed her hand that she was something extraordinary.

Even now there was no way to explain their meeting. She'd been the most ordinary of girls, just working in a shop when he met her, nothing on the outside to say that she would change everything. But he could feel from the beginning what she would be to him. He certainly had not wanted to fall in love. After losing his family, his friends, his planet, everything that mattered to him, he had vowed that he would not do it again. It was too painful to lose it all; it had nearly killed him the first time. He hadn't wanted to try for a second.

He shook his head, leaving the past behind and focusing on the present. He couldn't understand why she had kept her illness a secret from him for so long. He didn't like not knowing things. He didn't like it when people kept things from him. But he wasn't mad this time; he was hurt. He thought Rose told him everything. What had he done wrong along the way to make her feel like she couldn't tell him what was happening?

It hurt painfully that she had hid so much from him but what hurt worse was realizing that he hadn't noticed any of it. How could he not have known? Rose had been sick for two months and he had not known. How could he have not noticed the signs? There surely had been physical signs that she didn't feel good, that her health was declining by the day and he had not noticed. And even more than that he had missed how she had been feeling. How had he missed feeling the fear she must have been feeling? How had he not noticed the weight she bore upon her shoulders?

She had either been so focused and determined on hiding her situation from him that she had buried the emotions so far down he could not sense it or he had just not noticed at all. Neither were reasons he liked. Surely, he knew Rose better than that. Surely he was not that self-centered.

She should have told him. She should have let him carry the burden with her. She should have been taking care of herself. Human bodies were weak at best and even more fragile when they were sick. He hated to think of her hiding her fear and pain and pretending she was alright. He knew all to well how that felt. And he hated to think that she had been hurting and sick all this time with no one to take care of her. He should have felt that she needed him.

It wasn't right. She was only 20 years old. That wasn't any time at all. It was a mere blink of an eye and now she was to die. It was only the beginning of her life and now it was the end. It formed a paradox in his mind. He was old; so very old. But she was brand new. She was full of life and energy but her time was up. He got to live for 900 years and he still got to live. But she only got 20? How in all the universe was that fair?

And it wasn't just the beginning of her life, it was the beginning of them, the beginning of their journey and now it was going to be over. He wasn't ready for it to be over. He'd only known her a year and a half. Even when he thought he might get her full lifetime with her he knew that it would never be enough. There was still so much he had never said, so much he had never done.

He'd probably been puttering around for a couple of hours deep in thought and he knew he needed to get back to her. He could tell that she had been afraid to tell him and she needed to know how he really felt. The problem was he didn't know exactly how he felt. But he did know that he wasn't mad at her. He did know that he loved her. And he knew that he already missed her.

**The Doctor and Rose will talk some more in the next chapter and there will finally be some good feels to go along with the heavy ones. Thank you so much to the ones who are following and reviewing! **


	4. Chapter 4

**Surprise! I was ahead this week so I was able to update quick. As promised, some good feels. I hope you enjoy :) **

The Doctor walked to Rose's room and found that the door was slightly cracked. When he glanced inside he saw her sitting on the bed with her back towards the door. She was dressed in her pyjamas with a soft pink dressing gown wrapped around her. Her hair was wet and she was pulling a brush through it. He watched as she got it caught on a knot, pulling hard on it a few times before throwing the brush aside in frustration. She wrapped her arms around herself and started to shake and he could tell she was crying.

The Doctor walked quietly inside her room and to the bed. He sat behind her taking the brush. She looked back at him in surprise and he tried not to notice the tears on her face; tears he had helped to put there. He gently brushed the knots out of her golden hair and once it was nice and straight he set the brush down and ran his fingers through it. She closed her eyes and he felt her slowly relax as he continued to run his fingers through her hair. He tried to ignore how good she smelled or how her warmth felt against him and he tried not wonder how many moments like these he would have left with her.

He didn't know how much time passed as he ran his fingers through her hair, neither one of them speaking. She had relaxed so much she was now leaning back against him and he was almost convinced that he lulled her to sleep. He set his hands on her shoulders and was about to lay her down but she turned around to face him. "I'm sorry I didn't tell you. I know I shouldn't have kept it a secret."

"I'm sorry that I spent even a second being upset about it," he said and he took her in a hug.

"I wasn't trying to lie to you," she said against him. "It's just…the day I got the news was the worse day of my life. I wasn't in a hurry to do that to you. But I shouldn't have kept it from you. I know that wasn't right."

"I'm not mad," he said hugging her tighter. "I'm not mad at you."

"I really was trying to spare you from the pain as long as I could."

He pulled away from her just enough to look her in the eyes. "I'm not angry at you for not telling me. I mean that. I just wish you had told me," he said gently. He placed his hand on her cheek and she looked at him with tears in her eyes. "All this time…you didn't have to hide it from me."

"I'm sorry," she said. "I promise I was going to tell you. I was waiting for the right time. But it never came.

"And," she said continuing, "I'm sorry you had to find out like that. I didn't want you to have to find out like that. I know that made it harder."

"You had to find out alone." It broke his heart to think of what it must have been like for her to get the news.

"That was my own fault."

"I just hope that you didn't keep from telling me because you didn't feel like you could."

She paused a moment before continuing. "I…I know how you feel about…the frailty of human life," she said choosing her words carefully. "I'll admit that it worried me a bit. But that isn't why I didn't tell you."

The Doctor felt weighed down by the realization. She _had_ been afraid to tell him. The words shouldn't have been a surprise to him; he could feel the fear in her. And she was right about how he felt; the frailty of human life did scare him. But she had needed him and he had not been there.

"I'm sorry," he said.

"What are you sorry for?"

"I'm sorry that I didn't see. I should have known. I should have noticed enough that the subject should have come up. I didn't realize that I was so focused on myself."

"No," she said shaking her head. "It's not your fault and I don't want you blaming yourself. I was trying my hardest for you not to notice. I did everything I could to act normal. I didn't want you to see." A tear rolled down her cheek and her voice was becoming more desperate; desperate for him to understand. "I love traveling with you. I love everything about it. I didn't want anything to spoil that."

He saw in her eyes that she was begging him to understand what it was that she was going through; to know what she intended rather than what had come across. "I meant what I said before. I _don't _understand what it is like for you. I'll never understand because I'll never experience it. I said that, not because I was mad at you but because it's just the truth."

She hung her head down but he reached to pull it back up with his hand. "You just took me by surprise. I was not prepared for that news and I didn't know how to cope. I don't understand what its like to be sick like you are. I don't understand how any of this can be happening. I don't understand how I can-"he said his voice breaking at that point. He cleared it before continuing. "But I'm going to try to understand. For you."

"Thank you," she almost whispered in response.

He took her head in both of his hands. "Does it hurt?" he hated that it had taken this long for him to ask her about it.

"It's manageable," she said trying to brush it off. But he already knew it did.

"But it does hurt?"

"Yeah," she said quietly. "The medicine helps it not to be unbearable but it never stops anymore."

He placed his lips ever so softly against the top of her head. The intimate gesture even surprised himself. He could tell that it conveyed the emotions to her that he wanted it to; that he was here for her. "I…missed you," she said, her voice cracking. "I didn't like having something between us."

He pulled her in close and she wrapped her arms around him crying against his shoulder. He could feel how heavy the burden had been on her for how painfully she was crying now. He could feel her fear now and her sadness as he reached out to feel them and now that she was no longer hiding them. This was the first time she was finally able to really cry. He buried his face against her shoulder and tried to keep his own tears in as he felt hers sink into his shoulder. Her emotions were powerful and they hurt them but he wanted to feel them for all the times he hadn't. But he wouldn't cry because if he started to cry now he would be break and he might not be able to be put together again.

He wanted to strong for her now. She needed someone to be there for her now. All this time she had been there for him, she had been strong for him. But she was broken now and she needed him to be strong for her. He wanted to be the one to take care of her. He wanted to be her protector. He wanted to take this immense load off of her. She shouldn't ever have worry so much, especially not alone.

She cried for a long time and he knew he could hold her forever. Even to be with her in her pain was a delight in some strange way to him. Even though it broke his hearts he counted it a joy to be the one that got to hold her, that he was the one who could comfort her and dry her tears. It was good to have someone who could break his hearts. It reminded him that he was alive. His hearts were not hard rocks that sat in his chest. They were beating and bleeding along with her hers. They were in sync with her feelings and pain.

She cried until her sobs trickled down into pitiful gaspings for air. Finally, even those stopped and she silently rested against him trying to catch her breath.

"Are you going to take me home?" she asked quietly.

He wasn't ready to return her home yet. He had only just learned about this dreadful mess and he wasn't ready to let her go yet. He wanted to spend every minuet of her life with her. He didn't know what she wanted but if she wanted to go home then that is exactly where he would take her.

"Do you want to go home?" he asked, hoping desperately that the answer would be no.

"I'm already home," she said seriously and he was glad. "I'm not ready to go back yet. I love Mum but she'll want me to stay there; I'm just not ready for all of that yet. I'll go back when I'm…later. Is that alright?"

How could she even ask such a thing? Did she really think that he wouldn't want her to stay? He was relieved that she did not want to go home yet, that he could still claim some time with her. But it pained him to hear her ask. Didn't she understand how he felt about her at all?

She did not understand the reason for his silence and when he didn't answer fear clouded her eyes and she asked nervously again, "Is that alright?"

"Rose," he said taking her face in his hands. "Of course it is. You belong here. Always."

"Alright," she said looking relieved and thoughtful for a moment. Then she took his hand in hers and held on to it as she laid down on bed. With her eyes she asked him to stay with her.

Rose had never asked him for anything so personal though the idea had crossed her mind at times. She shouldn't be asking now. She'd be crushed if he pushed her away right now. But she was so scared and she just wanted him to hold her. She'd been alone in her fear for two months and now that he knew she didn't want to be alone anymore. Normally, she didn't push, she didn't ask, she waited on him. But she was quickly running out of time and that knowledge and her weakening body were breaking down her defenses. She was relieved when he laid down beside her on the bed pulling the covers over both of them. She buried her face against his chest and he wrapped his arms around her.

Rose hated that he had to know now what was going on but for this moment only she was selfishly glad. Right now, she felt safe and as if things might be alright, even though she really knew they wouldn't. She felt a little lighter at having some of the weight lifted off her shoulders even though that was because the weight now rested partly on his. She felt so good at the moment she could almost forget all of her problems. She could hear the soft pumping of his dual heartbeats, could feel the warmth of his body next to hers, and could breathe in his scent. These were the things that she thought about as she drifted, for the first time in months, happily to sleep.

* * *

Rose slept but he couldn't. She had cuddled so close to him that she was laying almost entirely on top of him. Her arms were wrapped across him, her face was nestled in the place in between his shoulder and neck. He felt her warm breath on his neck, every one of them a cherished reminder. He pulled her as close against him as he could. It would have been the perfect moment.

It had not taken her long to fall asleep and once she had she had not stirred. He could feel that for the moment the fear and pain was gone and he was glad she was resting so peacefully. But he could not sleep. He'd spent every minute just watching her.

It felt amazing to have her in his arms. He had thought before what it might be like to have her beside him just like this. He wondered what it would be like to have her there to chase away the darkness and the sadness of the night. He wished that it was not such a bitter circumstance that had finally driven them to this point. Though the moment was perfect it was tarnished by the future.

He wanted to remember everything about this moment. He buried his face into her still slightly damp hair and remembered the smell of her, a mix of lemons and vanilla. He remembered the soft and delicate feel of her. And she was warm, a warmth that chased away the deepest cold that clung to his soul. He remembered the sound of her heart beating and her soft breathing and it was the most beautiful symphony. They were reminders that, for now, she was very much alive.

She was his home. Being with her was the feeling of coming home and being at home. And for a man who had no home in the universe he treasured that so much. He may have always been running from one adventure to the next but with her he was no longer running _away _from anything. That was something he had not experienced since before the war. With her he belonged. With her he wasn't searching or longing for somewhere else. With her he wasn't hurting or lonely. With her he was safe and comfortable and loved. She was his only friend. She was his only family. She was his only hope, his only love. What would he be without her?

Tears stung his eyes but he would not give into them. Even in the worse sadness and circumstances he tried his hardest not to cry. Some tears slipped out at times but he never gave into them consciously. Some might assume that it was because he did not care. They might think it was that it was because he was insensitive or indifferent. The truth in fact was the very opposite. He felt pain so deeply and completely that if he were to give into it, it would completely consume his heart. He tried to hide from everyone how truly sensitive he was. He had too much pain in his heart to bear and trying to ignore it with his excited and carefree attitude was his way of survival. To cry was to acknowledge the painful emotions and to acknowledge them was to be overcome by them.

Why did the universe require him to do this? Why did it allow him the ability to change the future and yet require him not to? How many times would he be forced to do the right thing? Why did these rules always bind his hands? Hadn't he'd done enough? Hadn't he'd already done the most excruciating thing? He'd already had to stand back and watch his planet, his home, his people die in fire. He'd had to do it because it was the _right _thing even though it meant he was left all alone. He'd even gone on, to continue his work, even after all of that. He hadn't given up. He hadn't died. Wasn't that enough?

Why was he being forced to do this again? How could he ever stand by and watch Rose slowly slip away from him? His beautiful, good, sweet Rose; how could he ever live without her? She'd been the reason he kept going, she gave him a reason to want to live again, to not let the pain and hate of the past consume him. She was nothing but goodness to her core and she made him want to be good again. And now, for all her troubles she had to die under the Doctor's eye. After all the terrible pain he had experienced in the past she had made it all stop hurting. She had made life good again. And now, he was expected to have to let her go? To let time claim her?

He was angry. When was it ever going to be his turn? When did he ever get to be selfish and get what he wanted? When was he ever going to be allowed to be happy again? He hated time and the rules that governed it. He hated being a Time Lord and having the ability to do much more than he was allowed to do. He hated being good and following the rules instead of being selfish and doing exactly what he wanted. Why did he care about the universe? Why did he care about people and helping them? What did he ever get in return?

He got her.

Rose stirred against his chest and he felt her hug him a little tighter like even in sleep she knew him and what he needed. By choosing to not give up, to not die, to keep doing good after all the bad he had gotten her. If he had not been he never would have met her. His hearts melted off the anger that had been building there. It always did with her. A few determined tears slipped out of his eyes and down the sides of his face. Somehow, time had led them together. How could he ever be angry that their time was ending when just the short time with her had been more than he could have ever asked for?

There was great pain ahead for him. But he knew that if he could have gone back in time and have never met her in order to escape the pain that he was feeling now he would never do it. To hate everything he was, to hate the universe, would be to hate the circumstances that had brought them together and he could never do that. She was the greatest of gifts and even though he knew she was being stolen from him he wasn't mad.

He was unbearably sad. Because it wasn't his place to decide. Rose didn't belong to him. He wasn't God and it wasn't his place to act like he was. It was not his place to decide who died and when. The second he acted as if it were he was finished was as a Time Lord; he'd gone too far. But feeling her against him made him wish more than anything that it _was_ his place to decide. Because the thought of losing her made him so sad he wasn't sure he would ever get over it.

Of course he would see her through this. It was outrageous to think that there was any other possible outcome. Maybe in the past he had left others before he had had to watch it happen. But he could never do that with Rose. He had meant what he had said once to her; he would not leave her. He'd never loved anyone enough that he thought he could stick around for the full show. But he did with her. He never thought he could handle doing what was lay before him but he had never before had Rose. He would stand by her until the end. No matter what it cost him.


	5. Chapter 5

**A/N: Now that Rose's news is out we'll get to see how Rose is coping in the aftermath. Next chapter will be in the Doctor's perspective. Thank you to all who have taken time to review. **

Rose laid her pounding head against the toilet seat and moaned. She _hated _getting sick. Her head always felt so much worse after she threw up; the pressure caused it to pound even more relentlessly. It felt so heavy she couldn't even hold it up. She wrapped her arms around herself as her body shook with shivers. The nausea was overwhelming her stomach and mouth and she knew it would only be a matter of time before she got sick again.

Three weeks had passed since the Doctor had found out about her illness and for the most part things had remained mostly the same. All the fears that she had had about telling him had proved to be unfounded. He had not left her side since that night and he had never once hinted that he wanted to take her home.

Though when she first told him she had thought all hers fears were coming true. Those first few hours after she had told him had been agonizing. She could tell that she had upset him by keeping her illness a secret and she feared that he had been angry with her. She even feared he was so angry that he might take her home. She should have known that it wasn't anger that sent him away; it was pain. When he came back he had made it very clear with his gentle words and gestures that he was there for her and would be until the end, dissipating any fears she had.

Her health had been holding on pretty well. The symptoms could have been so much worse and in some ways she was thankful. The nausea and dizziness and terrible headaches were increasing in severity and hard to put up with at times. Her hands shook more often and there were a few times she had been dizzy but she had not passed out again. There were so many worse things that could have been happening so she learned to accept these symptoms.

They continued to travel but even though he didn't say it she knew that he was trying to take things easy for her sake. They had not encountered any dangerous or strenuous situations and she knew he must be trying to avoid things he thought would be too much for her. He didn't once try to go somewhere or do something that he thought that would be something she couldn't. He also never left her side. He probably thought he was being clever but she could tell that he was constantly watching her out of the corner of his eye.

But he was getting frustrated. There was more than one occasion when he had set out to take her to one of his favorite places, some of the planets that he loved but had never taken her to, but the TARDIS took them elsewhere. She had told him that it was fine; she didn't care where they went. He had initially asked her where she wanted to go but it didn't matter to her so she had left it up to him. She just wanted to be with him and she was having a good time. But despite her words she could tell that it still bothered him.

One thing that did change was that every night he slept in her bed with her. It had been that way ever since that first night she had asked him to stay with her. They never talked about or made a conscious decision but he had hardly left her side since she had told him and that included when she was sleeping. She thought about saying something but she didn't want to make him uncomfortable and drive him away so she stayed silent. She couldn't have been more thankful. Her fear was the worst at night, when it was quiet and dark and her mind could focus all too clearly on her short and scary future. But it wasn't so bad when she had his strong arms around her. It was so peaceful to be sleeping against him that she could almost forget her troubles for a while.

They had yet to talk about any of it since that day. He never brought it up and she wasn't surprised. Avoidance was his primary coping method and it only made sense that he would deal with her impending death in the same way. She didn't really want to talk about it either but she would have if he wanted to. Of course, he didn't and so she didn't bring it up either. They both continued on as they had before not acknowledging what they knew lay ahead. They were probably in denial but Rose didn't care. She didn't want to spend what limited time they had on sad words; she knew that would come eventually.

But even though he didn't talk about it she didn't believe for one second that he was alright with what was going on. She had known, pretty much from the first time that she had met him, that his carefree appearance was just a façade that covered the pain he held inside. Even back then she could see the sadness in his eyes even when he wore a goofy grin on the outside. She knew it wasn't the best way to deal with things but she knew that nothing she could say would change that about him and the last thing she wanted now was to get in a fight with him.

The Doctor was never one to wear his feelings on his sleeve. In fact, if it were apparent and obvious how he was feeling about the situation she would be worried, because it would be so out of character for him. She had seen him face a lot and it never unraveled him. If this were to undo him she would know that her death had destroyed him and that was the last thing that she wanted.

She also knew that he was trying to keep up normal appearances not just for himself but for her sake as well. She had said that she didn't want anything to change and she knew that he was trying his best to make it appear as if they hadn't. And it felt good to have him help bear the burden with her.

Still, it broke her heart when she caught it. Every once in a while she caught him looking at her in such a sad way and she knew it was just a whisper of how he was feeling inside. She knew how it felt. The sadness came to her in waves. She tried to focus on the joys and happiness but it would hit her out of no where unbidden. She was going to miss all of it so much. And it wasn't just the excitement and the traveling that she was going to miss. She would miss those quiet moments between her and the Doctor.

She would miss those seemingly normal things that might seem mundane except that they were shared with the perfect person. Moments that were only special because you shared them with your best friend, a person who loved and understood you like no one else. Just the other day, her and the Doctor had been having tea together and she had been so sad at the thought of not sharing moments like that with him that she had to excuse herself before he could see the tears in her eyes.

Rose focused back on the present. Today was a day that she would not be going anywhere. Since the day she had passed out, she had been careful to not go out when she felt really bad. She had a few dizzy spells and she was careful about it, not wanting to have a repeat experience of that day. But even if she hadn't felt that way she felt so awful at the moment she couldn't go anywhere even if she wanted to. At the moment, she wasn't even sure she could find her way out of the bathroom. Not that she was going to be prepared for that anytime soon.

She heard the Doctor come up behind her. They had been having breakfast when she had to leave the table abruptly. She appreciated that he gave her some privacy but when she didn't return after a while he must have been concerned. "Rose," he called out softly.

She reached a hand up to shoo him away. "Go away," she said waving him away but still concentrating her attention on the floor in front of her.

"Why?" he said hesitating to get closer.

"Because," she said taking a deep breath. "I'm going to throw up again and I don't want you to have to see that."

Everything was dark but she felt him move closer, rather than leaving. He pulled her hair back away from her face with one hand and rubbed her back with his other hand as she leaned over the toilet and got sick. It was humiliating to have him there. She didn't want him to have to see her like this but she did have to admit that his hands felt good and comforting at the moment.

When she was sure that she was not going to be sick anymore she leaned back and now she was glad that he was there because she fell back, exhausted and dizzy and he caught her in his arms. She closed her eyes and rested against him for a few moments. She felt him take a wet cloth and wipe her face off and it felt good. "Thank you," she mumbled out lazily.

When she opened her eyes and looked at him he was looking down at her in concern. "I'm sorry. That was disgusting."

"It's alright."

"No, its not. You shouldn't have to hold me hair back so I don't get puke on it. That's gross."

He gave a small laugh. "Yeah, I guess you're right. That's terrible. I'm thoroughly repelled."

"Oh, you," she said giving him a small shove glad he was able to find some humor in the situation. "Thank you," she added seriously.

"You're welcome."

She tried to get up but she stumbled and he reached out for her. "Hey now, not so fast," he said taking her in his arms and carrying her into the bedroom.

"What a sight I must be," she said trying to laugh it off but feeling rather embarrassed of herself.

"You look fine."

"I look terrible."

"You look beautiful."

"How can you say that?"

"Rose, you couldn't be ugly to me if you tried," he said in all seriousness.

She was taken back by his serious reply. It wasn't often that he was so straight forward about such things. She knew how he felt about her but he never said the words. A few fleeting thoughts had crossed her mind over the past few weeks wondering if her current situation would change that.

But before she could say anything in response he was already moving on; like always. "Here you go," he said laying her down on the bed and pulling the covers on top of her.

"I don't think I'm going to be able to go anywhere today. I just feel too bad."

"I think that's probably for the best."

"You should go though."

"I don't need to go."

"Really, you should go. I'm probably just going to sleep all day," she said squeezing his hand encouragingly. "There's no reason you shouldn't go.

He paused for a moment. "If that's what you want."

She smiled. He would stay and sit with her all day if that's what she wanted. She couldn't believe how wrong she had been about him. How was it possible that she could have ever thought he would leave her? Did she really ever think he wouldn't take care of her? "Yeah, that's what I want."

She knew that she would have to encourage him to go out and really she did want him to. It would be boring for him to sit and watch over her all day and she didn't want him to have to do that. "But…" she added, "You could stay just until I fall asleep. I don't think it will be long," she said with a small smile.

He smiled down at her. "Alright," he said taking her hand in his. As she expected, it didn't take long for her fall asleep, his hand I hers, his presence chasing away the darkness.


	6. Chapter 6

**A/N: Now that Rose's news is out we get a glimpse into how the Doctor is coping and find that it has brought up an issue that has never been dealt with. **

"Are you sure you're feeling alright?"

"I told you I'm fine. I've been sleeping all day; I don't think that watching a movie is going to be too much for me," Rose said with a small smile.

Rose was wrapped in a blanket a cup of tea in her hands, resting closely next to him on the couch. She had looked much better when he had returned back to the TARDIS. After resting most of the day she said she wanted to watch a movie with him. Normally, such a 'domestic' activity would not have been anything he was interested in. But at this moment he could not think of anything in all of time and space that he would rather be doing.

He had not admitted to her that he had spent most of the day with her. Even though she had told him to go he just hadn't wanted to without her. He sat by her bed and watched her sleep, thankful for every breath she took, for every flutter of her eye lids, for any slight movement; anything that told him she was still alive. He was afraid that if he turned his head away she might disappear from sight.

Three weeks had past since she had told him she was sick and still she had not let him see much of her illness. It made him feel guilty to think that she was doing it because of him. She had not made a fuss over the headaches he now knew she must be having or the pain that she must be feeling. He could now see the dark circles under her eyes and the worn look that said she was very tired but she never said. Not that he had really expected her to. Rose was not one to complain but he also knew he played a big part of why she was keeping silent.

This morning she had been so sick that she had not been able to conceal it. He had looked for after she had abruptly left breakfast. When he found her in the bathroom she had even tried to send him away but it was for his benefit. She had to told him to leave not because she wanted him not to see but because she didn't want him to _have _to see; that was what she said. His strong and brave Rose. Here she was in her darkest hour and she was still taking care of _him_. But hadn't she always been that way? She didn't want him to see how much pain she was in. She didn'twant to feel like a burden to him. Little did she know, she could never be a burden to him.

Nothing had gone right since the moment she had told him about her illness. He had wanted to take her to all of his favorite places in the time they had left. This was something he felt he could be selfish in. He wanted to just focus their time on being together and not working for once. He wanted to take her to the fifteenth broken moon of the Medusa Cascade, the lightning skies of Cotter Palluni's World, the diamond coral reefs of Kataa Flo Ko, and maybe even swing past Raxacoricofallapatorius just for old time's sake.

However, the TARDIS seemed to have other ideas. While he had wanted to take her to the most exciting and beautiful planets he'd ever been to, the TARDIS was bound and determined to take them to every remote planet and time period she could find. He'd had a talking to with her about her behavior but she had not seemed to get the message.

He had so little he could do for Rose now. She had just a few weeks left and he wanted to make them the best that they could possibly be. He also had secretly hoped that along the way he might find a solution that would save her. His favorite planets were advanced and they might know of something that could help her. He was using the strongest restraint possible to not actively search for a way to save her only because it was wrong to interfere and he knew what the consequences would be. But could anyone really blame him for hoping he might stumble on a solution that would save her?

She didn't mind at all where they were going. When she saw that he was becoming frustrated with the situation she reassured him that it didn't matter where they were going; she was just happy to be there with him doing what they loved. It was all new to her and she didn't know what she was missing. But it bothered him. He wanted to show her his favorite places. She wouldn't get another chance to see them and he wouldn't want to see them after she were gone. He had a feeling he wouldn't want to do anything after she were gone.

"If you say so," he said giving her a smile he tried to mean.

"My stomach still aches but it's not nauseous so I'll take it," she said setting her mug of tea on the nearby table and snuggling in closer into him. "It's no excuse for you trying to get out of watching a movie with me."

"I wouldn't think of it," he said placing a hand gentle hand on her stomach and rubbing it lightly. She closed her eyes and rested her head against his chest.

As he rubbed her stomach back and forth he accidentally pushed against her shirt and touched a bare strip of skin. He went to quickly move his hand away but she reached out and held it there. He rested his forehead against hers, both of them looking down. He heard her heart rate accelerate by several beats per minuet even though it was quiet and a human wouldn't be able to hear it. Her breathing quickened and he was so close he could feel it against his face. He felt the desire and anticipation in her. He'd felt them for so long.

Why couldn't he do it? He wanted to. What was holding him back? Why couldn't he tell her how much he adored her? Why couldn't he touch his lips against hers? He could right now and she wouldn't protest; she'd even welcome it. But he knew what was holding him back now; he just didn't know why he had held himself back in the past.

He'd been so slow. It was a curse of having such a long life. He had so much time that he often took it for granted that others did not. He knew from the day he'd met Rose that his time with her would be so very limited. It had always been at the back of his mind but still he had not let it propel him to action. Even though he had known her time was limited he had still assumed that he would have longer with her. It was a foolish assumption. He of all people should have known better. It was his fault because he was the one that had held back; she would not have. Why did he?

Maybe, it was that he thought he should give her time to accept him. While she took it very well, Rose was a human who had grown up on a planet that did not know other ones existed. While it did not seem to bother her, just his very existence must have been a shock in beginning. He looked like a human on the outside but he was not one. She had learned a lot about him but there was still so much that she didn't know. He had wanted her to know just what a romantic relationship would be like with him. She deserved to know the full extent of it before they started because he wasn't human and it wouldn't be like a human relationship. He really had been intending on explaining it to her one day, but it just had never seemed like the right time to have that conversation.

Maybe, it was that at the heart of him he was really just a shy and scared man. Rose had been such a good thing to happen to him that he had not wanted to do anything to ever risk losing her. He had come a long way but he still had scars on his heart. He still didn't believe that he deserved to have her. He still felt at times that if she knew everything about him, she would surely leave him. She never made him feel that way; he was the problem not her. But he still waited for the day that he would do something that would cause her leave him.

He would never admit it to anyone and he tried to project the opposite image, but he was shy. Not in most aspects but in the area of love he was very shy. He had not the faintest idea how to proceed. He did not know what the right words to say were or the right actions or what timetable either one should occur on. What if he did it wrong? What if she didn't return the same feelings? Though not entirely inexperienced, he was quite out of practice. It had been a long time since he had anyone in his life that he had had romantic feelings for. And when he had it was quite a different experience. Having a romantic relationship with a human was completely uncharted waters for him. And it scared him stiff.

He allowed his heart to be in control exactly once and it had consequently led to the one and only time he had kissed her. For one moment he turned his mind on silent and just let himself to feel, not a normal or easy thing for a Time Lord to do. It was when he was a different man, when she had come to save him from the Daleks. He had been so in love with her in that moment. He'd loved her for so long already at that point but his love in that moment had grown much more because it was then that he knew that she loved him too. She had risked her life to come back to try and save him. He had given her the gift of escape. He had given her the chance of life without making her have to choose whether or not to leave him. And she had risked it all to come back for him. He was always saving other people, doing things for them. But this one time she had saved _his_ life.

It had been so good to feel that he was loved, to know that she cared about him, he had kissed her. Even now he couldn't quite believe that he had done it. He certainly hadn't had to in order to draw the time energy out of her. He'd just done it. But then his mind came back and he pretended like it hadn't happened. Like always. And she hadn't remembered so it made it all the easier to pretend that it hadn't happened.

Falling in love for his species was a much longer process than it was for humans. It involved getting to know a person on a much deeper emotional and mental level before it ever got physical. Even after it did become physical it was still largely about sharing in the other's heart and mind while sharing in their body. It meant looking into their heart and mind and having them look in yours.

He'd already started to feel this with Rose. He couldn't make out specific thoughts she was having but he could sense the things that were on heart. He could taste the difference in her happiness, her sadness, her anger, and joy. And when she touched him he could almost sense what thoughts were on her mind. He could almost hear at times when she took his hand her saying "I'm here with you," or when she hugged him saying "I love being with you."

Going further physically would connect them on a deep emotional level. Though he never explained it to her she seemed to understand. Humans used physical contact much more frequently and lightly than he ever could manage. She seemed to understand what he meant and that it was difficult for him. While many people might not think much of the hand holding and hugs he gave Rose, she always seemed to understand that it showed his greatest affection for her. She seemed to understand that they were big steps for him.

But he knew that she did not quite understand what a physical relationship with him would mean. She did not understand the emotional and mental depth a relationship would mean and he wanted to make sure she was ready for it. He wanted to make sure _he_ was ready for it. It wasn't that he was afraid to let her see all of him but it did make him nervous.

This was the reason why he held back now, the reason he couldn't kiss her in this moment. Though kissing her wouldn't completely open up the emotional connection to its full potential, it would certainly open it up to great depths. If he were to make that bond now, he would make the end harder for them both. She would be able to see the full depth of his feelings for her. She would be able to see how much he loved her, how much she meant to him. She'd also see how much it devastated him to lose her and how bleak the future looked to him without her. It would be such a weight on her to know how much he was devastated by the news that he was losing her. He didn't want to put that on her.

He would also see her feelings for him. He would know everything he was losing when he lost her. He would see her pain, physical and otherwise, her fears, and sadness. Having never been with a human, the weight of this dying slowly was not something he had ever experienced. He didn't know how or even if he could stand up under the weight of it.

He knew he should explain it to her so she would know why he held back. But he knew she would say that she was willing to take the risk. But he didn't know if either of them could handle the loss that was ahead of them if they made that connection. He wasn't sure he would survive the loss as things stood now.

If he had acted on his feelings before now things would be so different. If only he had kissed her sooner then he could kiss her now all he wished. With the connection already made he'd have had no qualms about taking full advantage of it. He would kiss her for all the years that he wouldn't have her with him. He would love her with abandon, to express feelings that words would never do justice. He would ask her to be his forever. He could savor the feelings she had for him. He could even delve deeper into to her pain to understand and comfort her. But now, that he had held back, he couldn't take it farther now.

He pulled back slightly and she understood. He knew that she was disappointed. She was always such a good sport, so understanding. But right now, she needed him; she wanted him. She had reached out for it once and he had shot her down. She let out a small sigh, pulled back and shifted slightly away from him, putting a slight bit of distance between them. It wasn't an angry gesture; she was giving him a slight amount of space like she assumed he wanted. He didn't want her to. He wanted to close the space between them so that it didn't even exist.

He had known for a long time how she felt. But she never acted in her feelings. She never said it, she never acted on it and he loved her even more for it. Many times she could have, many times he knew she must have wanted but she didn't. She waited on him to act first because she knew him so well. While she obviously wanted and needed physical contact as a human she understood it was a more difficult thing for him. She didn't try to force herself on him, trying to force him to a place he wasn't ready to go. She didn't get frustrated at waiting for him to say the words she wanted to hear. She was so patient and he loved her for it. And he hated himself for making her have to do it.

She turned on the movie and they remained in silence but it was a heavy silence not the comfortable silence they usually had between them.

Could he ever be anything but a disappointment to her?

**A big thank you once again for all who are following along! Also, if you are enjoying this story check out my other Doctor Who story "Heavy Memories" which I have recently revised.  
**


	7. Chapter 7

**A/N: Sorry for the gap in between chapters. I was on the losing side in a battle between me and my wisdom teeth and was not on the best frame of mind for writing for a couple of days. But if it's any consolation this chapter is quite long. Things take a turn for the worse but they'll finally arrive at one the Doctor's favorite planets. Hope you enjoy. **

The Doctor woke to a horrible sound. It was a struggling, choking kind of sound. He couldn't see much in the dark but he did see Rose, coughing or choking in the bed beside him. He instantly reached to turn the light on but was not prepared for the sight he saw.

Rose was vomiting in the bed beside him and the Doctor was terrified to see that it was almost completely blood. Blood was running down the sides of her mouth as she continued to vomit, chocking herself. He grabbed her shoulders and helped her sit up. "You have to sit up Rose," he said gently but urgently. She didn't seem to hear him; he was pretty sure she wasn't even awake. He helped her to lean forward so she didn't choke and he was glad that the horrible gurgling sound stopped.

But he was alarmed when soon blood was all over the bed in front of her, on her pyjamas, her hands and her face and he wondered how long this would go on. He wrapped his arm around her and she continued cough and struggle, "Rose, are you alright?"

Rose mumbled out of a string of words that did not match or make sense and the Doctor's concern for her only grew. She had stopped vomiting but everything she was saying wasn't making any sense at all. He continued to talk soothingly to her desperately hoping that she would come to her senses. It was several terrible minutes before he saw realization dawn in her eyes.

She put her hands to her face and shook her head. "What's going on?" she said, confused as she came out of sleep.

He let out a sigh of relief, so glad she was back. He rubbed her back "It's alright now. You got sick but you're going to be fine." He hoped that she would believe the words he didn't. This was very very bad and far from fine.

She looked down at the bed and her hands. "Oh, my goodness…" she said seeing the blood.

"It's alright now," he said trying to keep her from panicking. "It's over."

"I don't think so," she said tears starting to stream down her face. She covered her mouth trying to contain what she knew was coming.

"It's alright," he said brushing her hair with one hand and rubbing her arm with the other.

When she was finally done getting sick she started to sob and the sound tore into his hearts. He knew the trauma of the event and her still sleepy state was making her more vulnerable and intensifying the moment. Ever since he had missed knowing she was sick for months he had made a special effort to be in tune to her feelings. It wasn't hard at the moment. He could feel the fear and sadness and pain very strong. He gathered her up in his arms trying to chase away the emotions she was struggling with

"I'm sorry," she said in a very sad voice.

He had to swallow a few times before he could speak evenly. "You have nothing to be sorry about. Nothing at all, you understand? I just want to know you're alright." He pulled back and looked into her eyes. "How do you feel?"

"I'm so dizzy," she said putting her hand on her forehead and closing her eyes.

"Don't get up," he said to her laying her back against the bed. He went to the bathroom and came back with a towel and a bowl of water. He took her hands one by one in his and washed them clean. He hated to see these hands with blood on them. These hands that held his and somehow just by doing so seemed to chase away the cares of the universe and the monsters he held inside. These hands that held him together should never be covered in her own blood like this. How many times did he promise to himself that they never would be? He shook the thought not allowing himself to dwell there and focused back on the task ahead. Then he took the towel and cleaned off her face.

He got her a new pair of pyjamas and brought them back to her. "Do you think…um…you'll be alright to change?"

She looked at him and he was glad when he saw a little fire in her eyes. "Yes, of course." He was glad to see it rather than the dull look in her eyes from a moment ago.

He went to the bathroom, leaving her to change. He caught his reflection in the mirror and was horrified to see her blood stained on his shirt. The sight was so unsettling he ripped off the shirt and threw it in the floor. He raked a hand through his hair and took a deep breath trying to get himself under control before he went back to her. He left her ample time, knowing it would take her a while but it made him nervous to do so. He knew she would want her privacy but he worried about leaving her alone right now. After he waited for as long as he could possibly stand, he went back into the bedroom and was glad to find her changed and laying back on the bed.

He went to her side and put his hand on her face. "Are you feeling better?"

"Yeah. Thank you for helping me. I'm sorry I made such a mess."

"Rose, you do not need to apologize for that. I don't care at all about that; I'm just worried about you.

He handed her a glass of water and she drank a little before laying her head back on the pillow. "I don't think I'm going to get sick anymore. I just am so tired and my head is splitting."

"Is there anything I can get you? Medicine?"

"No. I…" but she stopped herself.

"What is it?"

"Nothing," she said shrugging it off. She was not telling him something and he wanted to know what it was.

"Tell me Rose. Please don't keep things from me."

Her face softened at that and she reluctantly continued. "I'm already taking as much as I can. It just doesn't take the pain away anymore." She hadn't wanted to tell him. She didn't want him to know that the pain was so bad that even the medicine didn't take most of it away. She didn't want him to know that pretty soon it would be incapacitating. She didn't want him to know that their time was almost over.

"Oh," he said heavily.

"I'm just going to go to sleep," she said brushing it off as if it were nothing.

"Alright. I'll change the sheets but you just stay where you are. I can work around you. I don't want you getting up."

"O.K." she said her voice fading like she was already falling asleep.

When he was finished he crawled back into the bed and turned the light off. He laid behind her and put his arms around her and she snuggled further back to rest comfortably against him. She was so light and fragile in his arms. He rubbed her back softly and laid a very gentle hand on her head. He was glad when he felt her relax and know she was asleep again.

Tears pooled in his eyes, the ones that he hid from her during the day. They only came out at night and even then he didn't give into them. They were almost out of time and he wasn't ready. How could he ever let her go? It was his job to protect her. It's all he ever promised her; he would keep her safe. Now she was dying from something he couldn't protect her from. And he called himself the Doctor. The irony of it all was very bitter.

He clutched her body against his hoping to cling to her as hard as he could but he didn't. He dared not wake her both for her sake and for the fact that he did not want her to see him now. "You're breaking my hearts, you know that?" he whispered to her only because he knew she was deep in sleep. He didn't know how he was going to go all the way through with this. He knew that saving her would be at terrible cost to the universe but what did he care about it without her in it? He kept fighting these dark thoughts and ironically Rose was both the reason to think them and the reason he didn't see them through. He wanted to desperately to save her but in doing so and throwing all the rules out the window he would become something she didn't know and would probably be afraid of.

He felt himself crumpling. It was so hard to watch her sick and in pain. For the past month he had been strong for her. He had felt so guilty that she had been sick two months and he had not even noticed. He had felt even guiltier that she felt she had to hide it all from him. Now that he knew he wanted to be there for her. But he didn't know how much longer he could keep up this brave face in front of her.

This was the very reason that he had held himself back from her. It was not that had been giving her time to accept him. It was not that he had been scared or shy. The truth was that he had held back because he was selfish.

He had been trying to avoid the very reality that he was currently living in. He knew that one day, much too soon, he would lose Rose. He had foolishly thought that if he had kept their relationship from being a romantic one it would make that end easier. He had held her close with one hand and pushed her away with another. How very selfish of him. It certainly hadn't been right to her. Whether he acknowledged it or not their relationship was a romantic one and had been for some time now.

And the real clincher of it all was that he had not spared himself any pain. This end was still going to be excruciating. It was still going to pull him apart fiber from fiber from the inside out. He had not spared himself from any pain. Even if he had, it was not worth the cost. The cost was too great because he had robbed them both of the happiness they could have had together. He had taken moments that should have been, moments he had seen in his own head, and he had deprived them of it.

Now all he could think about were the regrets he had. He knew the pain of losing her would have been harder if he allowed himself to get closer to her but he would not have the weight of regret that he now bore. And now he could see that the pain would not have been as bad as living with the regret. Pain was hard but regret was the most bitter of companions. As hard as it would be to think about the moments that were being stolen from them it was much more bitter to think about the moments that _he_ had stolen from them. He had stolen all their todays because they wouldn't have all of their tomorrows. He'd made the decision for the both of them; he hadn't even allowed her to voice her opinion.

They'd had so much and it was so good. But they could have more and it could have been better. He knew this because he had seen it all. He could see everything they could have had together. He could see everything they could have been together. He could see every day and every possibility.

He knew he wouldn't sleep a wink the rest of the night. The only thought that kept running around in his head was "_We are out of time."_

* * *

"We're going to Barcelona," the Doctor declared the next morning over breakfast. The Doctor's declaration took Rose a little by surprise as it broke through the silence that was hanging between them. She only vaguely remembered what had happened the night before. She must have been mostly asleep because it was all kind of foggy. But she remembered enough of it to know that it had not been good. Things had never been as bad as they had been last night.

"Barcelona?"

"The planet Barcelona. I've always wanted to show you."

"Yeah, I remember you telling me," she said staring down at the breakfast she hadn't really been eating much of. The significance of the moment didn't escape her. He had mentioned taking her there when he had been only moments away from a form of death himself.

"You'll love it there," the Doctor said with a smile but it was tainted with just barely held back pain. She could hear what he wasn't saying: This would be her last trip. They both knew it though neither of them would say it. They had been fortunate up until this point; they had been able to continue on the way they wanted with minimal interruptions. But last night had been a close call and it had reminded them both that there would be a time and it would be very soon when Rose physically couldn't go on. If they wanted to do something then the time had to be now.

"That is" he said with a pause the smile fading off his face, "if you're feeling up to it?"

"Yes. I feel fine," and then added with her own forced smiled "I'm looking forward to it." She surprisingly felt alright this morning despite the terrible night they had just had. She tried to focus on the fact that they were going to have a good day and not think about the fact that this was going to be the last planet she ever saw with the Doctor.

To the Doctor's great delight the TARDIS decided to cooperate with his plans for the day and they arrived shortly at Barcelona. The minuet they landed a smile spread on the Doctor's face, a real genuine smile, not a forced one weighed down by pain or sadness. She was glad to see it. She knew these weeks had been hard on the Doctor despite the fact that he has tried very hard to conceal that fact. It had been made only harder by the fact that he had been unable to take her to the places he most loved and wanted to share with her. Though it really didn't bother her where they had gone and even though she had been having a good time, she felt a pang of sadness at not seeing those places. She would have liked to see the places he held dear in his heart and she knew that he probably unfairly blamed himself for the fact he couldn't take her there.

She pushed the dark and sad feelings back and away from her. This was not going to be a sad day. It was easier to do when she saw his smile because it was always contagious. She could feel his excitement at being at this well loved planet of his and she was excited too. She gladly took the hand he stretched out to her as they stepped out of the doors of the TARDIS. "Rose Tyler, welcome to Barcelona."

Barcelona was a bright and beautiful planet. The sky was the deepest blue she had ever seen and the grass was a perfect green. The land mass of the entire planet consisted of one large continent that was surrounded by water on all sides making most of the planet costal. The oceans were a deep blue that seemed to have hints of purple in it. The small towns had an ocean side feel to them, laid back and comfortable. The houses were older she could tell and small, but all were brightly painted and cheery looking. Every house had a porch that was decorated for entertaining, many of which were occupied with people relaxing or visiting and enjoying the day.

They just walked for a while, Rose looking around and taking it all in, the Doctor smiling at her as she saw it all with new eyes. The people were humanoids, similar looking to humans but they had an intricate design of ridges on their foreheads and their eyes were lovely colorful mix of blue and purple that reminded her of a galaxy sky. They were lovely and very friendly, many of them stopping to greet each other. Many also greeted her and the Doctor as they passed by with a smile. And the dogs, were just as the Doctor had said; they had no noses. She never did get tired of laughing at them.

"So, what do you think?" he asked with a smile. They had been walking for a while in silence, hand in hand, but it was comfortable. With everything this day held neither were in a hurry.

"It's lovely here. I can see why you like it so much."

"It's a good planet and good people. Not the most exciting or extraordinary I've seen but this is a special place."

"Yeah, I noticed that they were all very friendly. And they all seem to be very laid back. It almost seems like they are all on vacation."

"They are a very unmaterialistic people. They only work about 20 hours a week, as opposed to a human's normal 40 hour week. They only work to get what they genuinely need. Nothing more. They would rather have the time than the money."

She paused a moment thinking about it before speaking." Wow, it's a nice idea. I wish humans would catch on to the idea. What makes them think that way?"

"Look around and you'll figure it out. What else do you notice about them?"

Rose took a minuet and looked at the many people milling around. "They're all so young. I'd say that none of them are much older than 30."

"30 exactly."

"How can that be?"

"Best case scenario for them if they don't die of disease or accident then they will die of old age on their 30th birthday."

Rose's head spun to think about it. What a short life it was. "But, how can they get so much done in a short time?"

"They get married about halfway through their lives, 15 for them is not as young as it is for a human, they have children right away and by the time they are ready to die their children are old enough to get married and have children of their own."

"But its such a short life."

"In years, maybe," the Doctor said looking thoughtful that darkness inside of him bleeding through into his eyes. "But they make the time count. That's why they don't waste their time on things. They work for what they need and spend the rest of the time living." He looked down into her eyes. "Just because you have more years doesn't mean that you have more life," he said seriously.

Rose was thoughtful thinking about it. As hard as it was to think about she could understand that completely. She herself was only 20. The first 19 years of her life, though the bulk of the time she had been given, didn't seem to amount to much. She could think of hardly anything she had done that had amounted to anything. But the year and a half that she had spent with the Doctor was a different story. Though that didn't add up to much in measured time, it amounted to so much in time that was _lived_. There was a huge difference between years survived and years lived. Even though she would give anything to have more time with the Doctor she felt her life, though short, had been well lived, and could see how these people could feel the same.

After a while the Doctor spoke again. "The problem with most species is that they think they have time to accomplish this or that so they just spend a lot of their time putting off what they really should be doing. Sometimes I think some species live too long for their own good. Just having more years doesn't make you anything special."

The way he said it, she knew he was talking about himself. She didn't like the self loathing in his tone of voice. While this place was beautiful and had a lot to offer she knew that this planet was most special to the Doctor because it was wake up call to him. She knew he must be thinking about these people and all they accomplished in such a short time and comparing it to what he could do in all the long time he was given, using it as a reality check for himself.

She had not expected the conversation to take a serious turn and she did not want this day to be a sad one. Hoping to relieve some of weight that seemed to be pushing down on him she tugged on his arm and said "So, are you ready to show me around the rest of this planet or what?"

The frown lifted off his face and he smiled at her.

The day was lovely. They spent the morning walking along the beautiful beach and investigating tide pools, the Doctor telling her the names of all kinds of creatures that lived in them. By the afternoon Rose was so tired she wasn't sure she could keep going. She persuaded him to stop for a picnic and she hoped that she had fooled him from seeing the real reason she needed to stop. He went to get them food for lunch. Afterwards, while they rested, the Doctor's head in Rose lap her hand playing in his unruly hair, he told her story after story of his childhood on Gallifrey. They were funny stories and they both laughed and laughed. He had never really told her much about his past, certainly not this much, and she loved every minuet of it. In the afternoon they rented some bicycles and she was amused to watch him have quite the shaky start though he adamantly swore he knew how to ride. The day was so good she could actually forget for a little while the reason for their trip.

They finished the day off with dinner at an open air restaurant right on the beach where they ate the most colorful meal that Rose had ever eaten. She couldn't even identify what it was supposed to be nor could she place the flavors. When she asked the Doctor what it was he didn't give her a straight answer but it was delicious so she didn't care what it was. As they finished their meal and the sun set the planet seemed to come to life rather than fall asleep. The fish seemed to glow illuminating the water in the nearby ocean. They were so bright and Rose was mesmerized to look at them as they tinted the water a green around them. The air danced with their own version of a lightening bug but there were more here than probably could ever be seen on earth at any one time. Her mouth dropped open and as she watched it all and the Doctor chuckled lightly at her reaction.

"If you like that, you'll love this bit," he said getting up and taking her hand. She followed as he led her away to the beach. He faced her with both of her hands in his. She waited a moment, looking around at whatever it is that he wanted show her. She gave him a questioning glace. "Just wait for it," he said with a smile.

A few moments later something in the air changed and soon they were hovering just slightly off the ground. "Woah," she said. "I'm floating."

"Yes," he said laughing. "The air does that at night. Don't worry that's as far as you'll go."

"I'm not worried."

"I know," he said with a lopsided smile. "It does make for good dancing. May I have this dance Ms. Rose Tyler."

"You certainly may Doctor," she said smiling. He twisted her around and spun her and it was so much better when you were floating on the air.

"You still have it," she said laughing.

"Of course I do. You doubted the first time but I proved you wrong," he said referring to the first time he had danced with her.

"You had no idea what you were doing without me."

"I'm not saying you're right but I guess there is something to be said for a good partner."

Though there was still a jovial look on his face, his eyes were now serious. She suddenly felt very warm as a rush of nervous energy spread from her middle as she knew that they weren't talking about dancing anymore.

"Well to be fair," she swallowing hard, "A good partner can't do a whole lot if the person leading doesn't have some amount of skills."

"Skills mean nothing if you don't have anyone to lead," he said seriously. She was surprised when he was the one to pull her close into his body. She took her hand off his shoulder and wrapped it around his middle, her other hand in his hand. She was surprised even more when he pulled her closer still with the arm that was wrapped around her waist. Half hug, half dancing they swayed slightly and she rested her head against his chest.

Rose knew they were just on the edge of that place she most wanted to go and where she knew he wanted to go too. They were often touching it slightly and then quickly moving away but this was different. As the silence hung between them she knew they were closer than they had been before.

The night she had asked him to watch a movie with them they had gotten close. She knew she shouldn't have but she reached out to him, pulling him close to her. She had waited on him to make the next move. She didn't exactly know why but she knew that physical touch was somehow more difficult for him. But she had felt the desire in him. She could tell he wanted it too and that was why she dared to reach out. But something had held him back.

But now he was the one reaching out to her and she wanted to know what he was thinking. She was aching to have some answers to the questions that burned inside of her. While she had also wanted to avoid talking about the subject of her impending death his feelings about her was a subject she didn't want to avoid. She very much wanted to discuss that.

When he finally did speak the words were not the ones that she expected to hear. "I should have given you so many more days like this."

"Doctor, we had the best of time today."

"But you deserved more. I should have-"

"Today was the best day of my life," she said with conviction raising her head to look into his face. "That's what I want to talk about."

"Rose, there were so many places I should have taken you. I should have taken you to the Battle of Trafalgar, Caesar crossing the Rubicon, or the First Antigravity Olympics. And I never took you to see Ian Dury at the Top Ran, though I did try to get us to that one."

"Yes and even though we didn't make it there we will had quite the adventure anyway."

"I suppose so."

"Well if meeting Queen Victoria, defeating a werewolf, and getting knighted doesn't count as an adventure I don't know what does." She said trying to help him out of this dark mood he was now in.

"So many times and places we should have gone.

"We've had lots of good times. We might not have always gotten where we meant to go but we've been lost of places. We have done a lot with the time we've had. I don't know how we could have done more. I don't feel like we've wasted a single second of it," she said her voice wavering at the end. She had no regrets about the time that they had spent together and she didn't want him talking like he had any either.

"I guess you're right."

"Of course, I am," she said smiling at him and resting her head back on his chest.

They swayed back and forth and Rose focused back on the magic of the night. She didn't want to think about regrets at a time like this. This truly was the best day of her life and she only wanted to focus on that for the short time she would have it. The lightening bugs glittered all around them, she heard the rushing of crashing waves, and marveled at the swooshing of air beneath her feet. She had hoped the Doctor's thoughts were back to more pleasant things until he spoke.

"Rose" he nearly whispered against her face.

"Yes?"

"If there was anything…anything at all that I could do, I'd do it in an instance."

"Doctor, you don't have-"

"I want you understand," he said interrupting her, "I want you _know _that this isn't at all what I want."

"I do know that. And I do understand how it all works. I might not have at one time but I do now. And I want you to understand something. I do not want you blaming yourself." She looked deep into his eyes to make sure he heard what she had to say. "I don't blame you and I don't want you blaming yourself." The Doctor pulled her closer and she knew it was a wasted effort to try and keep him from blaming himself. He blamed himself for everything it seemed.

They danced for a while longer still and when her eye lids started to get heavier than she could stand she fought it fiercely. She didn't want this, her last day, to stop. The Doctor must have sensed her tiredness as she was sure her body must have gotten slack in arms. "You're tired."

She didn't say. She just kept her head against his chest. She didn't want to admit it and he didn't need her to. "It's been a long day," he said as he stopped swaying. She knew he was saying that it was alright to be tired even though she didn't feel like it was. There was still so much unsaid between. There was still so much undone.

Though she wouldn't admit it she was tired. The day wore her out so much that she didn't even have energy to walk back to the TARDIS. But the Doctor already knew that too and he scooped her up in arms.

She struggled to stay awake as they walked back but the gentle rocking in his arms and the gentle crazy hum of his heartbeats against her ear, begged her to give in to the fatigue her exhausted body desired. But she fought it off as hard as she could. She saw his brow start to furrow in worry and she knew he worried that she overdid it. But she had no regrets. What did she need to store her energy up besides days like these?

She smiled up at him and she was glad when he gave her a large smile in return. She looked up at the stars and rested her head against his chest thinking about the crazy amazing life she's gotten to live because she knew she'd been to many of the stars that she could see above her head.

Despite her best efforts to stay awake she was sure she dozed off because the next thing she knew he was laying her down on her bed and she didn't remember getting back to the TARDIS.

She was so sleepy and her body ached so much that she wasn't sure she could even move. She tried to move her arm but it only moved the slightest even though she exerted a great amount of force behind it. Terror gripped her heart chasing away all the good emotions that were there before. She couldn't move.

The Doctor stroked her hair before heading toward the door to allow her time to change. She tried desperately to get up knowing that when he got back and she hadn't moved that he would know something was wrong. But try as hard as she could her body would not obey the commands she was giving it.

When the Doctor returned in a few minuets in his own pyjamas as was his custom since they had started sleeping in the same room and saw that she had not moved he sent her a questioning look. She had quickly tried to cover up the panic but it was still on the surface and she didn't open her mouth for fear that it would come out. "Are you alright?" he asked, seeing that she had not moved an inch since he had left.

"I'm just tired," she said trying to sound carefree and failing.

The Doctor was not fooled. Rose was always trying to spare his feelings but he could see the panic on her face and the terror in her eyes and knew something was very wrong. "What's wrong?"

"I can't move," she admitted.

She hated that look on his face. It was that look that he had the entire universe on his shoulders which most of the time he did but she didn't like seeing that look in connection with her. The day had been such a good one. She didn't want their good day to end like this. But all good things came to end.

He silently walked to her dresser and took out a pair of pyjamas out. He walked over to the side of the bed and sat down. "May I?" he asked.

"You don't have to do that," she said her voice cracking and a tear slipping out of her eye as she looked away.

He took her feet in his hands and gently took her shoes off. He turned and looked into her eyes, asking the question again.

She felt cold in the pit of her stomach that it had come to this. She was mortified that she had to ask him to do this. She had always been strong and capable, able to take care of herself. She felt worthless and she never wanted to have to be so weak and useless around him, of all people. "Yes," she managed to say, her heart feeling as numb as the rest of her body.

He was so gentle with her that he did not send her the message that he was upset with her in any way but she was upset with herself. She fought to keep the tears in but they slipped out. She was so useless she couldn't even reach out to brush them away. He looked at her alarmed when he saw them. "Are you pain?"

"No," she said, openly crying now.

"What is it then?"

"I'm sorry."

"Sorry for what?"

"For making you have to do this."

He took his hand and brushed away the tears on her cheeks. "You listen to me Rose. You have absolutely nothing to apologize for. I would do anything for you."

She knew he meant it and that made her want to cry for a whole different reason. He lay beside her and hugged her. "Besides, you did it for me once. Remember?"

She did remember and it didn't make her feel any better. Those hours when the Doctor's regeneration had gone wrong and he had been dying had been the worse hours of her life. Thinking about how that experience had been for her only made her realize how hard this ongoing experience must be for the Doctor.

"It's time to go home." She said quietly a few minuets later. She didn't say it as a question. They both knew it was time. He sadly shook his head.

She slept on without him, her drowsiness claiming her not long after, but he thought. It was only at this point, when she was far under sleep that he could manage to say the words he so desperately wanted to say. He put his lips down against her ear and whispered, "I would do anything for you because I love you…so much."


End file.
